Mediocre is the new Black

I don't know if it all started in kindergarten exactly but the truth is that I had the coolest kindergarten teacher ever. It was her first year teaching and her name was Miss Swansen. I am pretty sure she would still remember me. I was an A student right out of the gate. Whether it was picking up those paper-clipped nose fish with a magnet fishing rod or building block towers, I was an ace. I had my lapses of course, thank goodness they did away with handwriting in the fourth grade because it was bringing down my average. And mind you I wasn't one of those girls like Lisa Cookson who would argue a 98 to 100.



Flash forward 35 years and I am sitting here baffled by the fact that I am a solid C minus employee. And I am learning day by day to be okay with that. Considering that in my last job I was a solid D, I feel this is a minor improvement. The other girls in my "class" at work seem to think I know a lot more than they do but the truth is that I have made a lot of mistakes, not all of which can be linked directly to the fact that I was never really trained. It's hard complicated work that deals with details of taxes and benefits and small details that are easy to misinterpret. I asked for help via email today and the person in charge of answering sent me a four hundred page manual.



I don't want to be a D employee but I credit some of my original school success with my teacher's dedication and willingness to help. If I struggled with a subject, I learned to stay after school to get it right. Teachers were always available and willing to help.
At my current work environment when I asked a question about how to do something complicated I was told by my supervisor to "look it up on the internet."
Now in the working world, "after school help" is paid at time and half. So why is this a bad thing? We have some deadlines coming up and no one at my work seems concerned. I am keeping my mouth shut and my hand down. Mediocre is the new black.

Trial by Fire

Okay so today was my first week at the new job. I had been promised a week of training at a nice hotel which got changed to "please come in Monday to the office, we need you."

My urge to flee this ultimate chaos is strong. I walked in on my first day and my supervisor was not at work. My boss was not at work. The person who was to teach me was not at work. A very nice woman named Cindy who was hired exactly one week before me spent five minutes giving me her very detailed notes on the computer software which she had just acquired.
And then I was pretty much on my own. You have got to be kidding me. Even my mother was shocked. She said to me "That's ridiculous, they just let anyone open their own business, huh?" The answer is yes, actually, they do. I have no idea what I am doing and the girl I replaced messed up 95% of the accounts I am taking over. But on the bright side no one is concerned with my computer skills, everyone in the office is supernice and my boss is not a malicious jerk.

Chinese Laundry

My husband and I did wash today and the truth is that there are few things in life that go together as well as a laundromat and a chinese food restuarant next door. Seriously. You have to wait while you do your wash and you are probably going to get hungry so how convenient is it to be able to put your wash in and wander next door for some pork lo mein?

I remember when I was first out on my own working two jobs, substitute teacher by day and waitress at um, Cordially's by night. Some days I couldn't make it to the laundromat by closing and I would wash my uniform by putting it in the bottom of the shower and stamping on (like that I Love Lucy where she stamps on the grapes) while the shampoo ran over it. And of course it kinda showed and my boss would always harp on my permanent chocolate sauce stains. Of course that was before I found L.A.'S Totally Awesome. I am not being paid by them but you will hear me speak of this product often. I believe it is actually some sort of professional grade degreaser combined with a stain remover. My friend Joseph and I actually call each other up with new uses for this cleaning product and say things like "hey, I had this old fork with some balsamic dressing dried on it and I soaked it in Awesome and it is perfectly clean." These are the things that make me smile after a long day at work

Oh, I have simple dreams, simple things I long for, like my owen washer and dryer. But for now I will be content to eat my lemon chicken while the clothes dry.

I got a job, do I want a job?

I am happy to report that I have successfully skated out of the old job early on a Friday to drive an hour and half to interview at 6pm on the night that a horrible hurricane force storm is due to arrive. I have a gift for this sort of drama I suppose. I don't understand how regular ordinary folks who don't get a ton of sick days can call out of a current job to interview without anyone suspecting. I interviewed for the current job at Totally A Jerk Company after I had a tooth extraction and had driven home, changed, overflowed the toilet (don't ask) and driven and hour. Desperation makes me prone to making bad decisions. I am sure this applies to other areas of my life as well but none more so than the job scene. Anyway, so my new boss is super relaxed and calm which seems good. He said that I would start with a full week of training on the new computers that they just acquired and I am excited about that. I am just glad to be out of the old place. I handed in my notice today and my Jerk boss actually mocked surprise and said he was sorry to see me leave and hoped I would consider staying. Oh, okay, just because you were so nice to me and always told me "thank you" for my hard work and gave me a huge Christmas bonus and... oh wait, none of that never happened, so that would be "no."

Symmetrical Muffins

Today I went to the spa. This little oasis of peace in the midst of the chaos of my life is so wonderful. I haven't been to many spa's but I am sure that this one is one of the best. They have this quiet room where you sit in a bathrobe and drink hot chocolate and tea. They have tiny vegetable wraps and chicken salad sandwiches as well as cookies and muffins. Soft new-agey music plays and it is quiet and safe.
I book my massage late in the day and often go early to sit in that room for as long as possible. When I am having dental work or am on public transportation the vision of this room is where I go in my mind. Today while I was sitting there a woman came out and rearranged the cranberry orange muffins so that they were symmentrical. It pleased me immensely to think that I was so important in this world of the spa that they thought to have a special person just to rearrange muffins so it would be visually pleasing. And then after sitting on an Alice in Wonderland sized couch and just being for as long as I wish, I get to get an hour long massage. It is nice to have gentle hands on my back after the harsh words of the world surround me during the day.

Census Humor

I come from a long line of rule-followers. I missed that gene pool somehow. I am no criminal but I am more the type that will interpret the rules. Now my mother, Jane, is a serious rule-follower and will lend her own humor to this blog without even trying. See my brother John and I were talking about the Census. John is mentally ill and lives with three other men in a supervised living situation. I told my mother that John told me he got his Census and mailed it in like the responsible citizen that he is. Her response? "Well how could he mail it in already? It asks how many people will be living there on April 1st and it's not April 1st yet? I filled it out and am waiting." Now THAT is a rule-follower. She doesn't want to lie and if she has a catastrophe that renders her in hospital care it specifically states that you should not be listed so she will wait. And I bet you she will not leave that to her perfectly capable mailperson to pick up. She will drive to the office with the sweetest postal staff north of the Mason-Dixon line and trust them to take it from there. For me a Census only reminds me of the Nativity Story and how Mary had to travel all that distance very pregnant and in discomfort all for the sake of numbers and taxes. Myself, I am not a rule-follower and am proud of it. I will mail my Census but I cannot take it quite as seriously as the rest of my family.

Seeking employment

I have been hunting for a new job as the office that I work for is run by a tyrant with a serious case of what I like to call short-man complex. He is short and is trying to compensate by abusing power. He took me in his office last week and presented me with an entirely altered employment agreement with a lesser salary and not even two full weeks vacation. Um, we work in human resources buddy, are you serious? I really am a good employee. I come in on time and leave late and do the best work that I can. Clients love me because I spoil them by doing so much extra to explain things and help them out. And this is how you treat me?


How does everyone else do it? What about those people that work twenty five years for a company and don't even get so much as a donut on their way out the door after being pink-slipped? My mom used to work in an office where people got "boxed". Human resources brought you a box, watched you gather your personal items in it and walked you out to your car after your job was eliminated. This form of degradation is not only wrong but just plain mean.

I shouldn't have stayed with this employer this long but I admit that in tough times it can be difficult to get out of a difficult situation. I really feel for people that are trapped working in abusive environments. I was reading the want ad's from this weekend's paper and some of them just make me laugh.

"Managers wanted for fun company with style and flair, call Jim"
This is a front for a pyramid type job such as Amway. Called it years ago in my curious youth. The names change each week, Jim, Mary which is code to the person answering the phone as to what ad in what area you answered.


"Candidates for all opportunities must have open scheduling flexibility to include weekends, holidays and evenings." That was at a furniture store chain. Who could possibly commit to that?

This was also one of my favorites "Group home manager" (Which was confidential for what reason, so the poor people in the group home didn't know how little the staff was paid?) Supervise the daily operations of a group home for individuals with developmental disabilities. 24-hour on-call responsibility. Bachelor's degree or equivalent experience, including supervisory skills, required. Experience with behavioral issues a plus. Excellent benefits. Salary mid to low 30's. Must have valid driver's license. Fax resume to...
You may as well advertise that as a volunteer job with the potential for a huge personal lawsuit and no chance of paying off your student loans.


And my personal favorite in the "Good luck with that one" category is
Helicoptor flight instructor. X company is looking for a Helicoptor flight instructor to implement its training program. Must live in Anytown, NY or neighboring area, be proficient in Portuguese and English, have vast experience in flight training & be experienced in twin engine helicoptors. Preferably Z brand. Please send resume to...
Are they serious?